I Just Wanted to Be Done, and So I Was
“I think I just want to be done now.”
The thought popped into my mind late one evening, and I remember just how relieved I felt at the idea of it.
It was always an option, to just be done, but I couldn’t see it.
Fear, core wounds, and grief had clouded my vision and caused me to enter yet another cycle of pushing and pulling. They told me I couldn’t and shouldn’t let go, that doing so would mean something was wrong and broken in me. That I should try harder and show up differently. The hook was still there, even if it wasn’t as strong, and this mess of emotions and stories was always the perfect thing for my subconscious to latch onto and keep me stuck in the cycle.
But that night was different. I asked a question when a wave of grief came up, but I realized that I actually didn’t care about the answer once it passed through.
It didn’t matter anymore.
I just wanted to be done, and so I was.
I no longer had any desire to know the answer or engage at all. I no longer felt the compulsion to look back or hook myself into something that only felt bad. I was steady, calm, and centered in myself and my life in a way I’d never been before.
There was a sudden sense of peace and ease, and it hasn’t left since.
I just wanted to be done, and so I was.
Choice is one of our most powerful tools when it comes to healing, growth, and making impossible things happen, but I’ll admit it can take some time to land in our right choices.
A friend of mine loves to tell me I “push and pull.” That it’s a trait of my personality, and he’s not wrong. I do push and pull, but I’ve learned over time that I only do it when I’m ignoring my truth and trying to want things other people want.
The truth is I was done a long time ago; I simply kept getting hooked in for different reasons and to different degrees. I stopped feeling like I was allowed to put myself and my needs first, that I mattered and could be the priority. And I began to believe the lie that I should be showing up and feeling differently than I actually did.
I pushed and pulled because I ignored a truth that had been there all along: I didn’t want it anymore. Not any part of it, especially the exhaustion, heartache, and confusion that was always in tow.
I just wanted to be done, and so I was.
All I had to do was choose to be done and stay steady in that choice. All I had to do was honor my truth like it was the only thing that mattered because it was. It didn’t matter what anyone else thought; it only mattered what felt right to me.
It’s easy to forget that we always have access to choice—in what we’ll do or tolerate or how we’re going to respond.
It’s even easier to be swayed away from what feels right to us.
Certain personalities struggle with this more than others because their natural tendency is to exist in opposition of “the norm.” Not for the sake of being rebellious and different, simply because they are different. If you’re not typical, tend to go against the grain, and don’t generally fit with most people, beliefs, and ways of being, it’s far too easy to wobble in what feels true for you.
It’s far too easy to end up in that confusing state of push and pull.
My friend always called me out when I’d push and pull, but he never helped me understand why I would do it.
So I lived several years believing it was a character flaw.
That’s because people who don’t have this experience don’t fully understand it.
We push and pull because we’ve grown up in a world that never really made space for our truth and experience. Instead, familial, educational, and societal systems demanded that we conform to what’s “standard” and “the norm.”
We’re not standard or normal, but in order to survive, we try like hell to be. We contort and compromise and begin to believe that we’re broken or damaged because we never find a way to feel fully at home in this world.
There’s nothing wrong or damaged in us, though; we’re just trapped inside systems designed to strip us of who we truly are and, in turn, cause us to question our experience or what we know to be aligned for us.
The push and pull is a wobble.
It’s knowing our truth and gaslighting ourselves into believing we’re wrong. We should try harder. We should want what other people want. Our truth is silly or comes from damage and wounding. We need to grow up and act like other people.
So we try really hard.
We convince ourselves we feel differently.
We go back in, determined to do things “the right way.”
And then we freak out or revert because we remember we don’t want it.
I hate the push and pull, but I’ve learned to give myself grace around it.
Of course we push and pull, friends.
How could we not in a world that only prioritizes the majority and average and makes everything else wrong or less important? It’s only natural that we do it.
When we get into a push and pull state, it’s easy to feel like the jerk who “yanks people around,” but that’s not true.
When I look back at every time I’ve pushed and pulled, it’s because someone worked to align me with their truth or desires—consciously or unconsciously.
They worked to create the outcome they wanted and thought was best and right for us both. They pushed their beliefs onto me with no regard for my experience, or they kept finding ways to hook me in despite my no.
Am I blaming them?
No, I’m not.
I’ve learned that most people can’t help but work things in their favor, and it’s rarely malicious or intentional. And most importantly, it’s my work to stand steady in my truth regardless of what they’re doing, saying, or believing.
Understanding why I push and pull and wobble like crazy at times is an explanation, not an excuse. It’s hard on other people, understandably so. But I’m not a jerk who yanks people around, just like most of them aren’t jerks who unconsciously yank me around. We’re all human, and being human is messy and hard. We all get scared and graspy and self-centered at times. We all push and prod and try to create hooks out of fear or an attempt to feel comfortable.
The work of a push-puller is to learn to stand steady in our knowing, no matter what’s being said or done around us. It’s not easy, especially when you tend to gaslight yourself because others gaslit you.
So take ownership and give yourself grace.
I just wanted to be done, and so I was.
Finally, after many weeks of push and pull and convincing myself I could be and feel things I didn’t, I was done.
After one random evening when I asked a question I didn’t actually care about the answer to. When I found myself in a wave of grief around something I didn’t need or want to grieve anymore. And when the grief moved and I felt steady again, I finally chose to be done. I chose my truth and refused to waiver in it anymore.
This will be my work for the rest of my life, to be sure.
To notice the push and pull in all the subtle ways it still happens, and to choose my truth wholeheartedly. To center in myself and decide that what I want, feel, and am experiencing is all that gets to matter.
I just wanted to be done, and so I was.
And hot damn, does it feel good to be free from it.
