I Don’t Need to Be Balanced Out Anymore

September 3, 2021

We’re not always what we seem.

People have their ideas about me like they do anyone else.

But something not many know about me is that left to my own devices, I can actually be fairly destructive and reckless at times. I have a wild streak that I began exploring (often quietly and away from people who knew me) when I was younger.

I’m not usually afraid when I should be.
Sometimes I have very little regard for the law.
I have sides you’d never expect.
I’ve done and tried things that would shock many.

And I take risks other people wouldn’t.

I’m grateful for some of the ways younger me was scooped up and grounded in the “real world” before I walked down a path that was very different and dangerous. The grounding was hard and done with force and abuse at times, yet inside all the awful, I gained a part of myself that’s served me well in this life.

And… I no longer believe I need to be balanced out by other people.

Many past partners or people in my world have enthusiastically expressed how well our differences “balance each other out.” And maybe that’s true for them. Maybe they needed a bit more adventure and wildness in their life.

But lately, I’m finding that I don’t feel I gain as much in return from most of those connections. I’ve learned what I needed to learn from people who are different personalities than me: to stay when things are hard, pivot without burning my whole world to the ground, and take care of my life like a real, grownish adult.

That doesn’t mean I don’t still love learning new things from people on different paths or with different skillsets and life experiences!

I just don’t need to be balanced, tempered, or grounded anymore.

I’ve actually spent too much of my life fitting into boxes that were far too small and stifling so that I could stay safe and achieve success by other people’s standards. Following the typical, well-worn paths because “that’s what people do.”

What I need are more people and environments that amplify the wildness that makes me who I truly am. That nurture and encourage what sets me apart, lights me up, and makes me unique and different. (Hint: we all need this!) I want people who not only fan my flames but are likely to ignite the fire in the first place because they see its need and value. Because they want me to be as much of my fully expressed self as I can be, and they want to support and encourage it however they can.

For many, being balanced by friends, family, or partners feels good and necessary. And for most people, it probably is.

But not for me—not anymore.

I’ve learned the skills I need to survive in this ridiculously arbitrary and misguided world, but I don’t need to be any further balanced or integrated into it.

I want to disrupt it.
Innovate within our failed systems.
Help people show up fully expressed.
Make a real, lasting impact.
Create true transformation all around.

I can’t do that with people constantly trying to balance out what makes me who I am so they can feel more comfortable. I can’t do that in places and spaces that ask me to be less of myself, so I can “fit” and play nice with “how things are.”

I’m learning to embrace my wildness again in new ways and old.

And it’s been deeply liberating and fulfilling.

I can’t wait to lean in more and more and see where it leads me and my work!

My writing has moved to Substack!

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