I Don’t Know How To Do This Part
“I don’t know how to do this part.”
I can’t count how many times I’ve said some version of that this year, often through tears or sighs of sheer exhaustion on a soul level. Since January. Since integrating the parts of myself that became fragmented from years of trauma, toxic relationships, and a loss that ripped me clean in two. Since devoting myself to doing whatever it took to step into who I’m here to be and the work I’m here to do.
“I don’t know how to do this part.”
Usually said with a weary heart and heaps of reluctance, because every time I’ve said this, it’s meant that I’m facing directly into the kind of healing and growth work that feels impossible. Choosing new ways of being. Letting go of humans I love so dearly. Leveling up in all areas of my life and work. Attempting to move forward despite years of being frozen in order to stay “safe.”
For the first time in my life, I feel like I finally understand courage. Because what is courage if not finding the strength to trust ourselves and lean in, despite having no idea how to do what comes next? Despite the nearly debilitating terror of facing into the parts that hurt? Despite the wounds… the trauma… the overwhelming desire to take a nap instead of being a person in the world?
This is how we heal and grow.
This is how we find a strength we’ve never known.
This is how we become the person we’re here to be.
I’ve cried many tears of sheer exhaustion and heartache this year, but I’m also happier than I’ve ever been… I’ve made more money than I’ve ever made… and I’m more clear on the work I’m here to do. I feel free, peaceful, and certain of myself.
And I’m not afraid.
I’m not afraid to say no and set boundaries.
I’m not afraid to go after what I deeply desire.
I’m not afraid to tell my truth, even to those who don’t want to hear it.
I’m not afraid to have a voice and take up space.
I’m not afraid of being “too much.”
Because of the fact that every time I say, “I don’t know how to do this part,” I get up and I do it anyway. I fail and I fumble if that’s what it takes, but I do it. I learn. I grow. I heal. I become.
As Kristen Jongen writes, “perhaps strength doesn’t reside in having never been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places.”
Choose to be courageous and keep moving forward, even if you don’t know what you’re doing.
💕
