Grace and Gentleness

February 14, 2019

Being gentle with myself is new.

I used to push myself and my body hard. Always so proud to be ‘freakishly strong’ and able to power through any sickness or injury. I was unshakable emotionally, never crying or showing my feelings unless I wanted to.

Even after loss flattened me, I pushed on… because I didn’t know any other way to be. I ran as far as I could every single night to quiet the anxiety that was gnawing at my insides. Despite the lack of food and nourishment. Despite the lack of sleep. I showed up and smiled, telling people I was ‘good’ and business was ‘good’, because I knew that’s what they wanted and needed to hear. I swallowed and buried my feelings inside my relationship, numbing myself out or completely dissociating, just to survive the days.

I pushed myself to be strong until I crashed.

Adrenal fatigue so bad it wore me out to walk from one room to another. My back and my hips continuously went out and I was in searing pain more often than not. My throat closed and I stopped being able to swallow completely, choking on my own saliva all day and night.

My body had enough of asking me quietly to please slow down, stop, and let go of the tolerations that weren’t serving me. So instead it took me out at the throat (quite literally) to get my attention.

I don’t numb out anymore.
I don’t dissociate or stuff things down.
I don’t ignore my needs or my pain.

I listen to my body and I’m gentle with myself, because I’ve learned just how much strength there can be inside falling apart completely. Inside facing your wounding, your trauma, your emotions, and your truth. I’ve also learned how much stronger I can be when I ask for help… when I stop weathering it all alone.

Being gentle with myself is new, but I kind of like the places it’s taking me, the kinds of relationships I’m forming, and what becomes possible for me in my life and work because of it.

There’s more than one way to be strong.
Give yourself the gift of grace and gentleness.
I have no doubts you’ve earned it many times over.

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