Sometimes I still struggle to swallow. Sometimes my back and hips still immobilize me with searing pain in all positions. Sometimes I still have panic attacks. Sometimes my adrenals remind me that they were once taxed beyond belief.
Because trauma lives in our bodies.
And it stays there until we clear it.
Traumatic responses occur and get locked in by our bodies (as well as the oldest part of our brain) well before our conscious, logical mind even registers what’s happening, let alone can choose how we react and respond.
It’s frustrating when my body still hinders me with traumatic responses; I won’t lie.
But every time it happens, I take it as an opportunity to deepen into my healing work. To process the old pain, heartache, terror, and hurt out of my cells, teach my body and nervous system that we’re safe, and begin consciously choosing new responses. Pushing my edges and staying in motion rather than stopping or giving up.
It’s also an opportunity to see and celebrate just how far I’ve come over the years because I sometimes forget all that I’ve walked through until my body reminds me.
I’m thriving, truly. Not because of all the time that’s passed, but because I’ve chosen to. And I keep choosing it, no matter how many ways the effects have pulled me down and taken me out at the knees.
Healing is a choice.
A terribly hard and terrifying one.
But a choice nonetheless.