When the Remembering Knocks Me Down

December 5, 2018

“Wow,” he said before pausing and staring at me for a moment. “You have quite the story.”

“Yeah,” I smiled realizing what I’d just shared, “it’s been a wild ride.”

Sometimes I forget.

Sometimes I forget exactly how much I’ve walked through in just the last several years since my loss. I forget because I keep facing forward. I keep asking myself what needs to happen next in order for me to live my life as deeply aligned and fully expressed as possible. I keep leaning into the work and healing that’s right in front of me.

Sometimes though, I remember.

And inside of that remembering I’m knocked flat on my ass all over again. Because I’m reminded that some things about me no longer work like they used to. Because sometimes the simplest aspects of day-to-day life still spin me into anxiety and panic. Because I’m still afraid of experiences that are meant to be good and beautiful and all things lovely.

Healing from trauma is so far from a linear path that it’s downright maddening at times.

You think you’re good. You think you’ve healed and moved on. You think that maybe, just maybe, you can be a person in the world again the way you were before. But something reminds you that you can’t, at least not yet, and with that reminder comes the remembering of why.

For me, this is just part of the process of healing.
The forgetting. The remembering. The flattening.
Over and over again as many times as it takes.

It’s just what happens as you find your footing in the aftermath of what’s hard and what hurts. From the things that broke you clean in two, leaving bumps and bruises on that deep soul level… in places you don’t always know exist until you brush against them at just the right angle.

The key is to keep moving.

Feel your feelings, let yourself be frustrated even, but don’t stop moving. This kind of healing isn’t linear, which makes it easy to question whether or not you’re making any progress at all… but you are, as long as you keep feeling, keep moving, keep navigating your way through.

Each and every time.

You’ve got this. 💕

My writing has moved to Substack!

You may also like
Numbness Never Solves Anything
Rebirth Always Comes