I Don’t Want Easy and Comfortable

September 15, 2021

When it comes to a partnership, I don’t want easy and comfortable. I want real.

That doesn’t mean I don’t believe things can or should be easeful with a certain comfort level.

It just means I don’t want codependency.

It means I want a partner who shares their truth, even if it might upset me. I want a person who calls me out, no matter how confronting and revealing it may be. Someone who is willing to hash things out with me around our issues and blocks, co-creating a partnership that serves us both and supports our highest growth.

My last relationship didn’t have this.

In fact, my partner was very neutral in many ways.

At first, I think that neutrality was exactly what I needed after being with a controlling and abusive partner (and having control present in prior relationships too). I needed a soft, safe space to land and recover after everything I’d been through. Someone who let me be exactly where I was at, didn’t get upset when I did what I needed to do, and was only ever directed in places that felt gentle and safe. Always going with the flow and allowing me to lead based on what felt okay to me.

As I healed, I started craving more of a true partnership with him, but it was clear we were operating from a place of deep codependency.

There wasn’t truth-telling and transparency; there was withholding.
There wasn’t understanding; there was self-compromise to keep the peace.
There wasn’t co-creation and growth; there was a false sense of comfort.
There wasn’t gentle flow at all; there was unhealthy contorting.

It was my fault as much as his, if not more so.

I needed to feel safe and was terrified of the things I want now.

So I found myself a partner that gave me plenty of space by rarely showing up and having minimal emotional and time availability. I chose someone who was more than happy to keep the peace and let me do what I needed to do, burying his feelings and being “supportive” even when he didn’t understand. I found comfort in his neutrality because I was afraid of being controlled or pushed around.

Being with someone masculine and directed will probably feel scary at first, but I’m ready to navigate it. Being with someone as brutally honest and transparent as I am will probably be jarring and uncomfortable at first, but I’m ready to navigate it. Being with someone who calls me out on my stuff and tells me what he really feels will probably be wildly confronting at first, but I’m ready to navigate it.

And that’s the difference, I think.

My willingness and readiness to navigate it.

Earlier in my healing, just being in a relationship again was pushing my edges enough. But I’ve never been a person who settles into “comfortable” and stays there for long because I value truth, growth, and full expression of self. So while it was gentle and comfortable to be in that codependent space, I outgrew it because I never stopped doing my healing work. I never stopped craving more depth, truth, realness, and a more healthy, genuine partnership.

I’d never have been able to handle the partnership I wanted, but I’m so grateful I didn’t settle for “easy” and “comfortable” codependence. I’m so thankful I kept doing my work and said no to what no longer felt aligned as I did.

I also know that I’m now better able to be a solid partner to someone who also craves more from their relationship, and that feels really, really good.

I don’t want easy and comfortable; I want real.

Many people are happy with the perceived comfort of codependency and relationships that never push them to grow. And that’s awesome if that’s what makes them feel truly happy and fulfilled. But I also know that we’re wired for continuous growth, and even though it’s insanely uncomfortable at times, it’s never done anything but make my life more fulfilling and rich.

Without it, we stagnate at some point.

Codependency, by its very nature, hinders growth. And hindering our growth means we never show up fully expressed and experience all life has to offer. We never actualize our full potential and create what we deeply desire.

So, no. I don’t want easy and comfortable.

I want real. I want growth. I want confronting and healing connections. I want depth and a soul-level love that expands me and my life. I want truth and transparency and the kind of honesty that reveals more of ourselves to one another.

I hope you’ll choose that too.

Whatever it means to you.

My writing has moved to Substack!

You may also like
It’s Worth Waiting For