Moments of Clarity

February 23, 2010

In my deepest depths of sadness, I feel so far detached from everyone
in this world… so utterly alone and yet so incredibly free.

Depression has had tremendous impact on my life. When I was thirteen and severely depressed, I emerged from it a grounded, grateful and peaceful individual. Having attempted suicide, I was blessed with the true understanding of how much I really wanted to live. For years afterward, I would feel great compassion, understanding and appreciation.

Recently, say the last year or so, depression has brought me an amazing sense of clarity. At my lowest points (albeit, far higher points than that of the suicidal thirteen year old), I feel my passion with such intensity and understand my purpose so clearly. The quote above was something I wrote last September during a very low point of my most recent bout of depression… I was driving around to think (and cry, while parked don’t worry) and it was late at night. Pulled over at a lookout point and listening to the waves while looking out over the moonlit ocean… I felt so very far away. I saw and felt so clearly what I wanted and who I was. Think back to books or articles you’ve read on meditation or out of body experiences. Something like that. I felt like I was out among the stars, totally connected to the universe or God… totally clear.

Since then I’ve come close to the same place, though not as deeply connected as that night. Each time I feel great discomfort in coming back to the “real world.” Imagine… seeing your purpose with such clarity, knowing exactly what you should be doing and who you are and then having to return to the reality that you are so far off purpose. Feeling as though you’re unable to drop all that is required of you in order to leap into it.

This is the space I’ve been in for the past two weeks. Feeling great frustration and hugely blocked… I’ve attempted about 10 blog posts. My daily creativity has dwindled to short and quick doodles again, my daily routine only made it a few days and I am buried in a sea of things that must be done. To pay the bills. Appease the people. Stay afloat.

In the past week I’ve come across two posts that really made me think:

WWYD by Cowboy Boot Lady: The question posed was what would you do if everything you were tied to was suddenly gone. No kids, no job, no bills. A clean slate. What would you do and how would you spend your time?

My answer to that came easily, I would focus on what really matters to me. My passion and my purpose. This post made me feel incredibly stuck. Because of choices I made in a past life (read: the one with The Ex) and choices I continue to make today (read: working with clients who have amazing future potential, but who do not have the funds to fairly compensate me now) I am living paycheck to paycheck. Month to month. I scrape by each and every month. The post prompted me to ask myself, what are you willing to do to get there? I am willing to give up my car and its payments. The things that I don’t use or really need. To live simply in exchange for less financial stress and in turn I will need to dedicate less time to the less important things. To slowly and surely undo the strain I have placed on myself. Most importantly, to pour my heart and soul into what really matters. To make it happen, no matter what.

When everyone gets in the way of changing the world – my blogging paralysis by Rebecca Thorman. In this post, Rebecca talks about the paralysis she experienced from dealing with other people’s expectations. “Everyone” knows better than I do. And, as a result, I’m paralyzed. I’m scared to do anything. I can’t even get dressed in the morning without thinking about what “everyone” will think.

This hit right on the heart of what was keeping me from posting. When I was blogging anonymously, I had a lot more to say. It was easier to be me when I didn’t have to worry if someone would see it. What would they think of me? It’s not that I was or am living some kind of secret life… it’s that I’m a very deep and private person. I am more comfortable with strangers reading my deepest thoughts than my family, clients or colleagues because those strangers see me for who I am, not what they want or expect me to be.

With this post I put that to bed. Staying true to my goal of becoming the best, healthiest and happiest me and to my mission of using my mind and creativity, through businesses, art, writing and leading by example, to teach and inspire personal responsibility and gratitude in others, along with the goal of becoming the best, healthiest and happiest person they can possibly be. That starts with being me, in all my glory. Through learning to tap into that space of clarity more frequently and working as hard as I can to get back on purpose.

What are you willing to do to get where you are meant to be?

My writing has moved to Substack!

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