“Move your hip down towards the ground,” she told me, pressing firmly on the bone. We were doing a session in her studio, working on healing my back and hips that have been majorly out of whack since summer.
“I have no idea how to do that,” I replied, visually perplexed.
“You’re forming new neural pathways,” she smiled.
“OMG, STORY OF MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.”
I’ve talked a lot about what it’s felt like to find my footing in the aftermath of loss and trauma… how it’s been like bumping up against walls where there used to be doors. I remember who I was, how I did things, and what it all looked like—I can even SEE IT clearly in my mind’s eye—yet I’m simply unable to function, be, or even think in those same ways.
It’s lead to many moments of asking in frustration:
“BUT WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?”
Told me I was overthinking.
Said I should do things how I did before.
Decided I was being difficult.
But when you’re learning a whole new way of being in the world—with no attachment or connection to what came before—you find yourself utterly perplexed by the simplest of things.
You need different processes in place.
But what does that mean?
You have to hire a team to grow again.
I know, but what does that mean exactly?
You can get back in shape in a gentler way.
I don’t understand what that means.
I want you to be my girlfriend.
Yeah, but like, what does that mean??
It’s funny, yes… but asking these questions has been a big part of my process over the last year. Because I’m rewiring my brain, my body, and my being. I’ve released and untangled the deep-rooted patterns and beliefs that ran me for years. I let go of all context from before, and all prior points of reference have become irrelevant. I’m swimming in an ocean of unknowns and new beginnings.
Stepping into a whole new way of being is one the most powerful, profound, beautiful, and chaotic experiences you’ll ever go through. It’s confusing and hard, exciting and fulfilling. It will change EVERYTHING, absolutely everything.
It can leave you feeling like a stranger inside your own life at times, because you’re in the process of reorienting to everything and everyone around you.
It’s challenging, but it’s also really simple:
You’re forming new neural pathways.
Of course it’s perplexing. Of course you’ll feel dumbfounded by all the things, even the ones you’ve literally done before. Of course you won’t understand what things mean for you—the you that you are right now, as well as the you that you’re becoming, rather than the you that existed before.
It’s all new.
As it should be.
Until you learn what it means to show up fully in this new way. Until you learn how to renegotiate your relationships and reorient to your life or work. You have to release the strategies and beliefs that got you to where you were before, because they won’t serve you in creating something new and different and better. You have to start by changing who you’re BEING.
So if you’re feeling turned upside down inside your own life as you make big shifts, go easy on yourself. You’re forming new neural pathways.
That’s all. 💕