Don’t Numb out

September 1, 2015

Please. I know it’s hard to live this life.

I know there are times that it hurts so much you think you might not make it through another day. When you’re certain that nothing will ever change or go your way. When your body is tired and your soul is broken. When the people you love hurt you, or you’ve done so much wrong it may never be possible to make amends. When you’ve slipped up so bad you feel a shame you’ve never known.

I know there are people you’ve lost, in one way or another. People you thought would always be there, who are suddenly a memory or a stranger you once knew. I know there are hard things you have to do to create what you want, and just thinking about them makes your bones ache. I know that it’s scary out there, because people can be cruel and the world can be so strenuous you don’t know why you bother.

I know that sometimes you love so much and give your all and you still end up alone. That sometimes you do everything right and it’s just not enough. I know that failure stings and rejection leaves marks on your heart. How being misunderstood makes you question yourself at the core of your being, and makes the ground seem a little unstable beneath you. I know it’s hard to find your footing when everything seems to be crashing down around you.

I know that sometimes everything is so “fine” and “okay” that it hurts worse than the most spectacularly heartbreaking moments. That the normalcy and details of the day to day are so simple and straightforward you think you might actually implode. I know it hurts how far you might be from the place you want to be. That it seems like a such a long distance between where you stand right now.

But please, don’t numb out.

This world isn’t an easy place.
Loving isn’t painless.
Failing and succeeding take so much from us.
Loss is shattering in ways you only know once you know.
People can be cruel and hateful.
There are roadblocks around every turn.

But stay here with us.
Stay here with me.
And then breathe some more.

Breathe it in and feel all that hurts and stretches you in ways you didn’t know you could stretch. That bends you in places you weren’t supposed to be bent. That takes those tiny fractures and splits them wide open. I know it hurts like hell and you’re not sure you can survive.

You can, if you just stay here.
If you choose not to go numb and disconnect.

Take a hand and share all the things you need to have heard. Be willing to let others see you for who you really are, scars, and bruises and all. Cry or scream or curse through the parts that sting and burn and break you open a littler further.

Here’s the thing about what hurts in this life… it’s beautiful. It’s what teaches us to be wiser and smarter and more discerning. It’s what shows us who we really are and who’s meant to walk beside us. It’s how we connect with the people we most want to connect with, and it’s how we are shaped into the people we’re here to be.

Pain is there for a reason, we need it to guide us.

To show us where to go and where not to go. To tell us that this isn’t the right relationship, or that our job is actually killing us. To let us know when things aren’t working how they’re supposed to, so we can actually work towards things that bring us true joy and fulfillment.

If you’re numbing out, you’re missing it.

You’re missing the joy and the depth and the connection. You’re missing the people who will really show up and love the shit out of you. You’re putting up walls where there should be windows, and barricades where there should be doors. You’re ignoring the things that desperately need to be addressed.

You’re missing this one short life of yours.

I spent so much of my life numb and disconnected, because it hurt too much to be here and to try and find my place. It hurt too much to love openly and put myself out into the world. And people… people were hard on me in ways I didn’t think I could survive. So I numbed out. I stepped back. I hid deep inside myself. And because I was so numb, I spent years with the wrong people, doing the wrong work, and making big decisions that were so far from aligned with my truth.

I know it hurts to open and be present. I know what it feels like to face pain that’s been tucked away for years. I know how it makes you sick to your stomach and uneasy in a way you can’t describe.

But I also know that when you open and face the pain, when you choose to connect and show up fully and presently in this life… that’s when the amazing things start to happen. When you meet the people you’re meant to know and love and walk through life with. When you find the work that lights your soul on fire. And when you start to understand that “joy” isn’t just an annoying word you don’t understand, but a way of being in the world… a way of experiencing everything, even the hard stuff.

It’s worth the pain, I promise. And you can survive it, if you allow yourself to open and unravel into your life and those around you.

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