Failing to Be Who and What Others Wanted Me to Be

April 20, 2023

Throughout my life, I’ve failed to be who and what others wanted me to be, and that failure has prompted less than safe reactions.

I’ve been abused and attacked, as well as gaslit beyond belief.

I’ve experienced rejection and crazy-making levels of abandonment.

I’ve been judged every which way and shamed with a vengeance.

I’ve gotten wrongly blamed and had people work hard to control me.

I’ve had my body breakdown repeatedly, and there’s been more losses than I can count.

And like any human, my subconscious developed strategies to stay some level of safe, secure, and successful in life—to maintain some sense of love and belonging (which is imperative to our survival as a species)—many of which resulted in playing small, staying quiet, and becoming more palatable to whoever was around me.

The cost of this has been tremendous between all the ways my health and body have failed, the times I held back when it was deeply important to speak up (for myself and others), and the all the creations within me that still haven’t seen the light of day.

And yet, knowing this cost wasn’t what shifted my way of being.

Intellectualizing it didn’t “inspire” or “motivate” me to just… let go of the fear of not being what others want and need me to be or to show up in my fullest expression.


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