I hurt my heart x2 on Tuesday.
But I’ve learned, repeatedly this year, that it’s okay to hurt your heart sometimes. It’s even okay to break it clean in two… actively, consciously, intentionally. Because sometimes that’s what’s needed to truly heal. To step into what comes next as fully as possible. To create nothing short of what you desire.
I didn’t use a lot of words either time, but I did say what was true. I’m still learning to discern between when we stay and use our words, and when trying to use your words is like slamming your head into a brick wall repeatedly. I’m not confident I know the difference yet, but I’m learning.
I’m learning that it really comes down to trust and faith. Trust in yourself to do what’s right for you in a wide variety of complex and contradictory situations… and having faith that whether you get it right or wrong, you’ll be okay. You will survive it. And you will continue to move towards a life that is truly fulfilling for you, even if you mess it up a lot or a little along the way.
I keep looking outside myself for what to do because relationships are not my zone of genius. At least not relationships that fall into any other category besides professional. I know when to stay and when to go in work and business. I know my boundaries and I’m clear in my ‘yes’ and my ‘no’. I use my words without hesitation or restraint. I don’t let anyone tell me what’s right for me and I often go against what I’m advised to do in favor of my intuition and my “impossible” vision. I have total trust in myself and full faith that I will do what I’ve set out to do… even when circumstance tells me otherwise.
I’m learning that what I’m seeking outside myself isn’t something that can be taught, no matter how hard people try to teach me or how desperately I wish they could. Hearing stories and seeing examples isn’t helpful, it’s confusing. Contradictory. Wildly frustrating.
What I’m seeking must be learned… through experience after experience… and it all starts with having enough trust and faith in myself to figure it out. To weather the consequences that come with both the failures and the successes. To trust that I will create exactly what I desire, regardless of where circumstance tells me otherwise. To go against what I’m advised to do in favor of my intuition and my “impossible” vision.
Trust and faith and a whole heap of choice.
That’s the recipe for just about everything.