Permission to Be Unreasonable

March 22, 2016

“I don’t know when to trust myself and how to know if I’m being unreasonable,” she wrote to me. “On being ‘unreasonable,’” I replied, “who cares?”

I remember when I was in a relationship that wasn’t making me happy several years back. It just always felt like something was missing, and no matter how I tried to broach the conversation, I was met with a response that felt like I was being told, “this is just the way relationships are.” I shouldn’t be upset, because he was a good guy. He didn’t hit me. He didn’t cheat on me.

For crying out loud, what more could I possibly want?

Well… a lot actually.

I craved depth of connection, someone who was willing to dive deep into our hearts, souls, hopes, and fears. Who wasn’t afraid of my passion and intensity, someone who wouldn’t make me feel like “too much.” I craved passion and spark and overwhelming love. Someone who made me feel things in my heart I’d never felt before. I craved real presence, someone who would really show up for me and us and our life together. Someone who let me know I was adored, who would care for me and keep me safe, emotionally and physically.

For a long while, I allowed others to make me feel wrong for what I desired. I let myself believe what I wanted was only possible in movies and books, because they “weren’t real.” I tried to convince myself that I was just being ridiculous and asking for things that didn’t exist. I tried to settle in and accept that what I had was “good enough.” I practiced insane levels of gratitude and presence… but it just never took. I could never settle in fully. I could never feel true happiness.

Finally, one day, I got pissed off.

I remember during another one of our spats, finally saying, “I don’t care if it’s not possible in this life, I would rather end up a spinster cat lady than to settle for less than I desire and deserve. I would rather end up alone. And I don’t need to be in a relationship just to be in one.”

Needless to say, we didn’t last.

I can tell you absolute certainty that the only way I was able to find and attract my amazing tribe, true partners who meet me on all levels, has everything to do with me being totally “unreasonable” when it came to what I wanted out of love and connection. It has everything to do with the fact that I refused to settle in the ways many others choose to. In life, love, friendships, my work.

I refused to settle for less than I desire and deserve.

Sometimes that made me feel like I was being a selfish jerk, because honestly, I wasn’t used to taking a stand for what I wanted. I was used to others telling me how things should be, and trying to bend and fold and fit myself to what they wanted to make them happy. Mostly, that made other people frustrated, because they didn’t understand, or because I triggered them around where they had chosen to settle for something or someone that’s less than they desired and deserved.

When it comes to what we “deserve,” that word can be triggering in and of itself. It comes with a sense of entitlement that can stir up a lot of our “who do I think I am to…” fear and self-doubt.

First, I don’t care who you are or what your story is, you deserve nothing less than what your heart and soul desire. You deserve love and joy and passion. You deserve to be fulfilled in every area of your life. To be nurtured and cared for and deeply supported. No one is more or less deserving than anyone else.

Second, no one has the right to tell you that you’re being unreasonable. While a lot of people are doing things to improve their lives – saving money, working out, eating healthy, and maybe even doing some spiritual or personal development and growth work – very few people have the tenacity to really, truly do the work and go after what they desire and deserve. Especially when it’s unclear if what they want is even possible. These people love to cut your dreams and desires down into more “manageable pieces,” because they don’t want to face the fact that they’re settling in their own life, and it’s easier to bring you down than to rise up themselves.

The ones who choose to do the work… the ones who refuse to accept the “standard” or “expected” or “good enough” in any aspect of their life… the ones who refuse to ignore the tiny whispers of their soul, crying out for more or better or deeper or truer… they end up with nothing short of extraordinary. In life. In partnership. In work and finances. In living life to the fullest.

My life isn’t perfect. I’m far from graceful inside love. My business has a lot of room to grow and align. I have so much to learn. So many more mistakes and missteps to make. But am I happier and more in love and more fulfilled than I’ve ever been. Than I’ve ever known others around me to be. And no matter what, I will continue to be outrageously unreasonable and unwavering in what I demand from this life and the people who share it with me.

Because we deserve it.

And the last thing any of us want to do is leave this life with regret or wonder that if we had just trusted ourselves a little more, ignored the naysayers, and followed our hearts… Could life have been unbelievably magical and fulfilling?

My writing has moved to Substack!

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