Saying No More Quickly

June 14, 2018

Earlier this week I wrote to you about When Your Soul Says No, and the theme continues in today’s video. Lately, I’ve been learning a lot about saying no… along with how saying no to something that’s good enough, or even potentially great, is actually taking a giant step TOWARDS what we desire.

Today I’m talking specifically about two instances where I said no personally (dating!) and professionally (hiring!), and where I did so QUICKLY. I’ve wasted a lot of time and a lot of life settling for less than I desire. I’ve waited and waited for something that was “meh” or even “good” to reach it’s “full potential.” I’ve stayed in relationships of all kinds for far too long, having false hope like, “this is where it’s going to start getting better.” Clients. Friendships. Partners. Team.

We don’t have to do that.

We don’t have to try and make things work that we know aren’t right. It’s nothing more than wasted time and energy. I’m learning to be braver in my NO’s and my KNOWINGS. I’m learning to trust myself the moment I feel it intuitively and to not overthink or second guess it. To just say, “okay then,” and move forward.

Click below to watch today’s video from Italy!

Hey, you guys. I am in Siena, Italy. I thought I would try and shoot my vlog since my family is wandering around and we’re all kind of exploring on our own.

I wanted to make a vlog about a couple decisions that I made in the last week that from the outside might look like I’m moving backward, when really they’ve been a giant step forward. The first was a personal one. I actually have started dating, which is both exciting and, fine, and terrifying and wonderful, and I went out on a few dates with a really, really amazing person who I really like.

He had a lot qualities that I’ve never experienced before, there was just really great awareness, both self-awareness and awareness of me and what I’ve been through and just some really, really good stuff there. But on our third date, there was a very specific behavior that I have decided to no longer tolerate in any relationships, and so when that happened, it took me a beat to be like, oh, that’s not okay, that doesn’t feel good, that’s not what I want, but when I realized that within the next 24 hours, I ended it.

And I could very well have had a great experience continuing to date this person, I could have learned a lot, it would have been very, very different from anything I’d experienced before, but it didn’t feel right and it wasn’t okay, so I ended it.

The second was hiring a new project manager was I was really excited about, who was very qualified, went through the entire interview process and then she shared something with me that I really felt should have been shared earlier in the process, but she didn’t share it until after we had hired her and for me, transparency and honesty and really laying everything out on the table right from the get go is incredibly important, both professionally and in my personal relationships, so I went ahead and let her go, after only having her on for a few days.

Letting my project manager go after only having her for a few days could have looked like a giant step backwards and in a way, it is kind of like I’m back at square one I need to find somebody for this position, but the thing about these two decisions is that while they look like a step backwards, while they look like I’m having to start over, and that maybe I, I bailed out and cut too soon, for me it’s a giant step forward because instead of wasting time and energy trying to make things work after I’ve realized, you know what this doesn’t feel good to me.

Even though it could have been a great experience continuing to date this person, it could have been a great experience to have someone more qualified in the project management role, even if both were temporary, it is an unnecessary expenditure of energy and time and resources when I know what I want, and if I’m willing to say no to anything that falls short of that… it’s actually taking a giant step toward what I want, it’s creating more space, it’s getting more clear within myself, but also with the universe, with the people around me that this is what I want.

Creating what we want is a really scary and hard process. You know, I think we are all given a lot of opportunities to settle for less than what it is that we declare that we desire, whether that’s professionally, financially, with our health, with the people in our lives, and I’m really at a point where, I don’t want to do that anymore. If it does not feel good, and it does not feel aligned and intuitively I’m getting a no, then I am going to cut ties and I am going to keep moving.

When we settle for less than what we want, when we tolerate behaviors or experiences that aren’t fully aligned with what we said we want or that we want to create, then we’re just wasting time, we’re just delaying having what we actually desire and we don’t have to do that, I know it seems like we do, a lot of people would argue with me on both counts that I could have moved forward, I could have had certain conversations… you know that’s a case by case thing.

Sometimes they are going to be times when you decide, you know what, this is negotiable for me and I want to have a conversation to make sure that it’s aligned and it really feels good and it’s what I want, and other times it’s just a no. And we really need to start trusting ourselves and our intuition and those gut inner-knowings that this is or is not aligned for me, this is or is not what I want. And then we just take action.

I talked about this in another video, it’s very simple, though it’s not easy, what do you want and not want? And what do you do or not do from there? I do not want to be in relationships where that certain behavior is present so I end it, I walk away, I keep moving, I don’t feel bad about making that decision quickly, I just do what feels right in that moment, which is to stop. If I feel like there’s a lack of transparency or integrity or it just feels a little, mmm, not right to me professionally, no, I don’t need that on my team, I need people that I can really trust, that I feel share the same values as me because it’s important that my clients and the projects that we take on are really treated with the same care and respect that I would treat them.

This is going to be a shorter video. It’s been beautiful so far. I’ve only been here a couple days, after some really long travel, we actually couldn’t land in Florence because it was too windy for our little plane and we had to fly 15 minutes to another airport, which was an extra hour and a half bus ride back to Florence and then another hour and half in the rental car to get to the little villa that we’re staying at. That’s what I have for you guys today. I am looking forward to sharing more in the next video!

Where aren’t you saying NO as quickly as you could be? Where are you “hanging in there” and “trying to make it work” when you already know it’s not the right fit for you? What needs to happen for you to start trusting yourself?

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