You’ve Got To See It Through

January 22, 2019

“I have to see it through,” I said. “I don’t know why or what happens next, but I have to see this through or else the last few years will have been for nothing.”

I was broke.

I had run out of money somewhere in Iowa in the middle of the night, with no clue where money was going to come from next. On our way to a training, I was thankfully not alone, but I remember how hard I cried when I realized I had finally run out of money.

I’d spent the last couple years fighting with everything in me to keep my head above water after loss and trauma flattened me. But no matter how hard I tried, I could never seem to find my footing. I could never really get a solid grip on my own life.

“Do you think maybe it’s time to get a job?” he asked one day, not long after.

But despite everything in my life that should’ve pointed to a yes, I shook my head. I knew in my bones that if I was willing to see it through, whatever the hell ‘it’ was that I was walking through, it would be worth every moment of heartache and struggle.

And it was.
Moreso than I ever could’ve imagined.

It wasn’t two months later that I found what I was seeking. That I got clear on what I wanted and devoted myself to making it happen. That I rose up from the rubble that was my life after loss and finally took back control. But I never could’ve done that had I not seen it through. I could’ve made money, yes, and am by no means recommending going broke as part of everyone’s process… but for me, I had to let something really die off first. I had to hit bottom in a way I’d been resisting for years. I had to surrender to whatever came next before I could step into what was meant to follow.