My memory is still nothing compared to what it was before loss. I have anxiety and panic attacks sometimes. I get claustrophobic in wide open rooms. Strategy games, which I used to love, frustrate the hell out of me. I still can’t pull up most people’s names on the first try, more often than not, no matter how well I know them. And I always struggle to remember what I did on Saturdays.
Grief and loss alter us.
They takes pieces of who we are.
They shift the ground beneath our feet.
And yet, if we let them, they give us this beautiful opportunity to crack wide open. To be raw and real and all things honest. To dive into the parts that hurt and hollow our hearts, all so that we can heal in ways we didn’t know we needed to. All so we can uncover the truth of who we’re here to be in this life, and so we can learn how important it is to step into that as fully as possible while we’re alive.
These little parts that are still “broken,” they remind me that there’s still more healing work to do. That I’m still mending in places that are easy to neglect and tuck away. That there are still spaces inside my soul I haven’t looked at deeply enough. Truths I haven’t been willing to face into. And some things… they’re just never the same as they were before, and that’s okay too.
But for those parts of my heart that still need a little tender love and nurturing… the parts that are still holding onto the trauma of this loss… they contain wisdom and insights that will only guide me further into truth and purpose and the kind of joy that lifts your life and work and relationships to unbelievable heights.
This is why I continually do “the work.”
Why I continually face into all that is hard and heartbreaking.
Why I write and cry and tell the truth to those who love me.
Healing isn’t always easy. Sometimes it hurts more than the thing that broke you in the first place. But it’s some of the most beautiful, amazing, life changing work we’ll ever do. It brings us home to ourselves in ways we can never reach otherwise.
The more I heal, the more deeply I feel called to walk this journey with others. Because I’ve seen both sides. The gut wrenching pain of loss and trauma and the healing work that follows… as well as the passion, clarity, energy, and zest for life that it brings. The way it roots us into ourselves so deeply that we become unshakable in the face of all life throws our way. We become resilient. We begin to understand trust and faith and surrender. We find our calling.
And, as always, my heart struggles to wrap itself around the kind of peace and gratitude and purpose that comes from the most awful kinds of loss. But I’m grateful. I’m grateful for all I’ve been through and all I’ve learned along the way… in a way that breaks my heart and still brings me to tears.
But… this is life.
The human experience.
The duality of existing and loving and losing.
And it’s oh so beautiful.