Your Body is Not Betraying You
My fingers are still my tell.
Since the early days after my loss when the anxiety was so intense I couldn’t manage to sit still, eat, or even sleep. Yet every Thursday morning I went to my weekly networking group and did my best to not only sit still… but to smile and chit chat and talk about my business. Pulling at my fingers until they ached under the table was the only thing that kept me sane for that endless and painful hour and a half.
Four years later and my fingers are still my tell.
There are different variations of how I pull at them, but they all mean the same thing: I’m anxious. I don’t feel like I have control of my ability to move about freely. I’m probably heading towards a panic attack if something doesn’t change.
There were many moments over the last four years where I felt like my body was betraying me. The anxiety… the panic attacks… the PTSD that ate away at my brain… the not swallowing for nine days… the way my hips and back loved to go wonky to the point that I could barely move.
But really, my body was just fighting like hell to get my attention. To tell me what it needed. To point out where boundaries were being crossed and violated. To show me where my ‘no’ was.
My fingers are still my tell.
My brain shutting off is still my tell.
My inability to swallow easily is still my tell.
My hips and back going wonky are still my tell.
My body has become my greatest ally as I continue to navigate my healing and growth.
Sometimes it’s spun out in a fit of panic simply because being triggered around trauma blurs our ability to separate the past from the present—actually, physiologically, neurologically.
But mostly, it’s just trying to get my attention. It’s just showing me what I want and don’t want. It’s asking me to slow down and tune in. To use my words and speak my truth.
My fingers are still my tell, but I’m grateful that I’ve learned to pay attention to them and what they mean. That I’ve learned to communicate and work *with* my body, not against it. That I’m able to tune into the undeniable wisdom that it contains.
What are your tells? Do you know?
More importantly, do you listen?
