It took everything to claw my way back from the darkness that was grief and trauma. To make sense of myself and my life in the aftermath of the abuse that followed. To feel safe, at ease, and able to push my edges so that I could heal and grow.
And for a couple years, I allowed myself to be content with “good enough.” To choose the path of least resistance. To rest in places and spaces that were easy. To hide out in situations that didn’t ask me to be more, better, or courageous.
Choosing to go to the next level in my health, life, business, and relationships has been a battle in and of itself. Because all of the trauma I endured, all of the fighting to find my footing, and all the pushing, healing, and growing left bumps and bruises on my bones. It created a tiredness that settled in at my very core.
I’m easily overwhelmed.
I can easily fall prey to burnout.
I sometimes spin into depression.
Because it’s a way my subconscious knows I’ll stop. Because I have “good reason” and perfectly justifiable obstacles. Because trauma is still embedded in my cells.
So, I have to choose to let overwhelm stop me, to stay in motion despite the sense of burnout. I have to choose to get up and move forward when the depression wants to immobilize me. To keep going for more when the terror of my trauma rears it’s ugly, exhausting head. I have to choose to find workarounds when my body fights me.
This is healing and growth.
There’s nothing abnormal about it.
If it were pretty and seamless, everyone would heal their trauma, release their core wounds, and push their edges to make the impossible happen. We’d all be breezing through the obstacles between where we are and where we want to be.
It takes conscious choice, knowing the ways you stop, and continually pushing your edges. It takes conscious commitment to what you say you want, no matter how hard it gets or impossible it feels.