Do You Trust Yourself Enough?

July 6, 2018

I’m very aware that I don’t make videos when there are things happening in my life that I don’t want to talk about… or don’t know how to talk about… as well as when I think I know what I *should* vlog about, but it’s really not aligned with where I’m at and what’s coming up for me in that moment.

The last couple weeks have been a mix of all three. But I’m really pushing myself to show up more fully and transparently, so I made a video about what’s been up for me recently. It’s all about self-trust. Trusting myself enough to do what feels intuitively right for ME, knowing full well that people in my life won’t agree with those choices. It’s been hard… and good… even easy at times?

Click below to watch this week’s video!

I’ have been slacking on the vlogging front, which I’m very, very aware that when I do that it’s either because things are going on in my life that I don’t want to talk about or don’t know how to talk about on the vlog. Or I have an idea of what I think should be next, and that doesn’t line up with what’s actually going on. So I’m not able to really sit down, and think clearly, and make a video.

I really do want to be more consistent with making videos, so I am just gonna see what comes out today. I think the thing that’s really up for me right now is I’m making a lot of decisions in my life and my work that a lot of people wouldn’t really agree with, people who have been a part of my life for a really long time. I’ve been making really, really big changes. And I’ve been doing them because it’s what feels right intuitively to me in order to move forward and to move into what’s next.

You know, a lot of fear can come up when we go against the things that people who love us, and support us, and have been a part of our lives for a really long time don’t agree with. It’s really, really hard to go against that because we have this tribe mentality that’s hardwired into our systems from way, way back when you had to stick with other people, you had to stick with your tribe in order to stay alive.

So there’s a lot of fear of going against the grain, of breaking out of the box, of walking away from people who have been a part of your life for a really long time. As well as in making decisions that they may not agree with. Because if they don’t agree with them they could give you the boot if you’re not actually leaving. They could stop being a part of your world. Quite frankly, that’s just a risk that we have to be willing to take.

I’m at a place in my life where I have been actively cutting ties with people in communities because they don’t feel aligned. So making these decisions, and knowing that people who’ve been a part of my life for a long time may not agree with them, I’m okay with that, I am. I would be sad, it would be hard. I’m not saying that I wouldn’t have feelings about it. But it doesn’t make it wrong. It doesn’t make it wrong to do the things that feel right for me just because the people in my life wouldn’t agree or support it.

I will talk about what some of these changes are in different videos because each of them deserves their own conversation. There’s stuff around my health. I’ve made some really big decisions around how I’m taking care of my body and how I’m taking care of my health. And how I will be getting back to a place where I am strong, and I have energy, and my adrenals are healed, and I’m back in shape. I’ve made a lot of big decisions in my business that completely changed the trajectory of what I’m building and how I’m building it. And I feel really, really solid in those decisions. Creatively I’m really, really pushing myself. Really setting myself up to do what feels impossible to me or seems impossible to other people. In relationships, you know, I have a lot to say about what’s been going on for me in regards to love, and dating, and finally feeling ready for that. And having my heart just so open and so full of love in a way that it hasn’t been in a long time, and possibly hasn’t been ever.

There’s the aspect of making decisions that maybe people in my life won’t agree with or won’t support. And there’s also the piece of going against what other people have kind of pre-decided is possible, either for me, or for the world, or for people in general, or for themselves. I bump up against that a lot creatively, and that’s something that I’m really focused on right now is the creative piece of it.

I am launching journey mapping, the launch will begin in late August, and the program will start in September. I’m really, really excited about what’s gonna be in it. I just have never felt this clear and this excited about something I’m creating. Because I have so much to say about how we uncover the purpose of our path or the trajectory of our journeys, regardless of where we are. Because it’s such an individual and personal experience. And this program is really designed to help people through that in a way that is supportive and nurturing for each individual.

So, I’m launching journey mapping, I am working daily on getting the unraveled book, a first draft, written by September. And the goal is to publish it on my birthday, November 9. I am finally putting this book out into the world, which is terrifying, and exciting, and challenging. Because writing this book, quite frankly, is the hardest thing I’ve ever, ever, ever had to do. But it’s also amazing, and it’s been really healing, and it’s been fun at times.

On top of that I’m still building my design business. That’s a really, really big focus for me. And putting new offerings out, putting new funnels in place. And making some big, big changes with team, and kind of the goal of the business. What it is that we’re gonna be doing, and how we’re gonna be doing that.

So I’m doing all these things. And I bump up against people that are like you can’t do that many things, you have to focus. And I do agree that we have to focus on things. But that doesn’t always mean that you only have to choose one. Sometimes it’s about refocusing yourself, and your life, and daily routines, and rituals, and all of those little things in a way that supports you being able to step up to a new level.

A lot of the people that are in my life now met me right before or right after my loss. So they have this idea of who I am that is not actually who I am. Because for the last three years, 2015, 16, and 17, I was not operating at even my baseline level, I was way below that. I was lost, I had PTSD, I was dealing with trauma, I had relationship stuff going on. I had health issue after health issue. So what they saw is my level of creating, or working, or being able to make things happen was very, very low for me.

And at the same time for most of them it seemed very high, I am very prolific. I am able to create a lot of things. I do work incredibly fast at everything that I do. And yet not very many people have seen me operate at peak capacity.

And, really, in the last several months my brain has just kicked back online in a way that it hasn’t been in a long time. Granted, it’s been a lot better in the last year, a lot, lot better. In the last month, two months, it’s just really come back online. And I am able to hold a lot more in my brain. I’m able to understand a lot more, I’m able to see things a lot better. And I’m ready to not only get back to my baseline of creating quite a bit of stuff in a short amount of time, but I want to push myself to the next level.

That’s part of what everything has been about with focusing on my health again, with cutting out relationships that aren’t supportive or aligned, with making changes in my team and my business. All of it has been to position me to go to another level. That’s why vlogging is a part of this. I don’t want to just make videos where I’m sitting here. I know that’s what I’m doing today, but I really want to push myself creatively because I know that I can. I know that I can, and I know that I have a lot I can learn. And, eventually, I want to be making short videos, short documentary-style videos.

I have these really big creative goals. And that’s really why I push myself to do more and to go bigger is because I want to know that when I leave this life whenever that is that I have given my all to everything that I wanted to give it to. To the relationships that are really special, and really matter, and are mutually supportive, and amazing to a partnership when it’s time and I find the right person. To my business, to my work that I’m here to do in the world. To all of you, all the people that I serve and I’m connected with. I want to know that I gave my all. I don’t want to play small anymore. In order to do that I’ve been needing to make these decisions that don’t make sense to other people.

So that is really what’s up for me right now, I think, that’s having this trust in myself and my vision of what’s possible. Or what I want to, at the very least, attempt to create in my lifetime, in my life right now, in my work right now. And not worrying about the potential consequences that that might have on my relationships. And that may sound selfish.

I really truly believe that the best way to love another human, the best way to love the people in our lives, is to show up fully as who you are. Not try to fit into a role that you think they want for you or they think that they need. To not ask that of others either. Let’s just be who we’re here to be, and let’s just show up. Either we’re able to accept each other for who we are, or we’re not, and that’s okay.

So part of my loving the people in my life is acknowledging when it’s no longer a good fit. That I am not showing up fully, or I’m not able to, and that doesn’t feel good to me. Ultimately, that’s not in integrity or in alignment for the relationship or for them. Yeah, so that’s it, that’s what I have this week. That’s kind of where I’ve been at the last week. There’s so much to talk about in terms of health, and love, and relationships, and business.

I would love to hear from you guys, what’s up for you this week? And how self trust, particularly, is showing up for you where you are being asked maybe to stretch yourself further than you’re comfortable with. And do you trust yourself enough? Do you trust yourself enough to lean into that and start taking those steps, even if it means disappointing the people around you? Even if it means that some people might fall away?

They might fall out of your life, they might not approve. They might reject you, they might abandon you. Do you trust yourself enough to keep going towards whatever it is that’s calling you towards it. I know that I do, and it’s taken a while to get here. But it has changed everything for me. So as long as we are staying in integrity, and we’re being honest with the people around us, and we’re doing what we feel to be right and true, that’s all we can do. That’s what I have for you today. I will be back next week with another video!

Tell me, do you trust yourself enough to lean into the things that are calling your forward? To risk what’s safe, comfortable, and known? I know I am… and I’d love to hear how this shows up for you in your life and work right now.

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