My heart has been incredibly open lately, but it’s also been aching something fierce.
It recently got cracked so far open that there’s nothing but deep, deep love for people. People who are in my life, strangers I come across, and everyone who is struggling and suffering right now… but also for a handful of people who aren’t a part of my world anymore. The ones where timing didn’t line up, hands had to be let go, and where it just no longer worked to walk alongside one another in this life.
It’s painful and beautiful and wildly confusing at times… because loving these humans on such a deep soul level, doesn’t mean they belong in my life. It doesn’t mean that I should reach out and express that love, because doing so would actually be selfish or disruptive to their journey. It would also be opening doors that are supposed to remain closed.
I’m learning to love them from afar. To feel the ache, send them light, and remember the good. To wish them well, even if they never hear me say the words. It’s confusing and painful, but it’s also perfect. It’s stretching my heart even wider and allowing for so much more love to flow through… even if sometimes that love comes through as deep, aching grief.
Grief is just love.
It’s love with no place to go. It’s knowing you can’t love someone the ways that you want to love them. It’s feeling a deep love that will never be fully met. And it’s feeling the loss of potential, possibility, or connection. Grief is many things… and grief is okay. It’s human, it’s healing, it’s gut-wrenchingly beautiful.
Letting go is all things necessary to stepping into who we’re here to be and the work we’re here to do… and grieving is part of that process. Grieving what was and what will never be. It’s necessary, but not always easy, graceful, or without tears. As Kylie McBeath writes, “on the journey back home—to all of you—there will be moments of joyful expansion and moments of deep grief and release.”
This is just another moment on the journey.
And it’s perfectly messy in all the best ways.