I Don’t Want to Forget

February 22, 2019

I don’t want to forget.

I don’t want to forget the good, the memories, the experiences, and the growth. I don’t want to forget the love or the laughs. I don’t want to forget the loss, the pain, or the tears. I don’t want to forget the way I was cracked wide open or the way I fell to my knees sobbing. I don’t want to forget the awfulness of it all, or the rawness. And I certainly don’t want to forget the gifts. The lessons, the love, the new connections, and the opening of my eyes in a whole new way.

“It just seems like you’d want to move on from this as quickly as possible.”

Many people said this to me over first few months after my loss. But no, I didn’t… and I still don’t. Do I want to keep moving forward? Yes, always. I’m not the kind of person that ever stands still for very long. But my loss and the season of living that damn near killed me, it’s a part of my story now. A piece of who I am. It’s a grouping of the most awful things I’ve ever experienced. The most tragic, heart breaking, challenging things I’ve ever faced.

I lost a lot in that season.
So very much.

And yet, I also came home to myself in so many beautiful and unexpected ways.

I don’t want to forget.

Which is true for all the hard things throughout my life. Nothing compares to the loss I experienced… to the unraveling that followed… but still, I don’t want to forget any of it.

People who’ve worked with me have heard me say time and time again: “One day, you’ll look back on this awful time with so much love, joy, and appreciation. I can promise that. Maybe not anytime soon… maybe not in the coming years even. But one day? Yes. You’re going to look at this hard time with a love that runs so deep you feel it in every fiber of your being.”

Because these awful times? They’re the catalyst for some of the most important work we’ll ever do in our lives. They force us to dive deep, surrender, trust, and grow. Oftentimes in ways we don’t feel ready to grow, but also in ways we desperately need to.

And there’s always a gift. Always, always.

So no, I don’t want to forget. 
I don’t ever want to sprint forward.

I want to be where I am, feeling all the feelings, experiencing all the rawness and growth as it comes. All the love and joy. Diving deeper into myself and allowing all the good and bad in. This is what life and living and loving is all about. And I don’t want to miss any of it, even the hard parts.

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