It Knocked the Wind out of Me

April 12, 2018

There wasn’t a whole lot that resembled grace inside my life a couple weeks ago. Things got intense. And by intense I mean… I slammed right into every upper limit, every limiting belief, every fear, and every old wound my little being has ever held or experienced.


I cried more than I have in a long time.
I sat physically shaking and paralyzed.
I had to be talked off several ledges.
I had to fight to remember why I started.
I let people I care about down.
I didn’t eat very much, if I ate at all.

That two week period knocked the wind out of me in a way I haven’t experienced for quite some time. It brought me to my knees, over and over again, in sheer frustration, exhaustion, and terror. It made me question so much of what I believed to be true about myself, my life, and my work.


Because I hit another upper limit. But not just any upper limit (I say that as if some of them are easy… they’re not). This one was different. It hurt like nothing else… because I’ve reached a point that requires me to leave behind a part of myself that’s kept me safe, alive, and protected for 33 years.

The part that learned to stay small, be quiet, and not take up too much space. The one that knew how to play the game, be whoever or whatever was needed, and would constantly bend and fold in order to “fit.” The part that cared what other people thought, built a certain level of socially acceptable success, and learned how to find her place in a world she knew she’d never really belong to.

I have to let that part go, in order to step into what’s next.
In order to become who I’m here to be and do the work I’m here to do.

Some of you will argue with me, and that’s okay.
A few weeks ago I might have done the same.

I might have said that we just need to love and accept and integrate all our parts. Let the part that no longer serves me “ride in the backseat, but don’t let it drive or touch the radio.” Integrate it. Give it a voice, but no power… etc.

Except, no. Not this time.
This time it’s about letting go.

That’s the thing about growth work I never fully understood until this last year… the strategies, ways of being, and mechanisms we use to get through life—to stay safe, alive, loved, successful—eventually they become the exact things that hold us back from doing what we’re here to do. From stepping into what’s next.

That thing you want, that you can’t seem to create? That life you so deeply desire to live, that you can never seem to cultivate? That version of yourself that you know you’re capable of becoming, but you can’t ever seem to step into?

It’s because you’re unwilling to release everything you think you know to be true about the world, the people around you, and yourself—really, fully, truly—so that you can create something completely new and different.

And why would you?
It’s kept you safe and alive.
It’s how you got to where you are now.
It’s how the world around you makes sense.

Sometimes we have to let go fully. Sometimes we have to say to that part, “thank you, I love you, but I no longer need you. You don’t get a place in the car at all.”

Because with certain parts, if we’re unwilling to say goodbye to them completely, they will always be at play. They will always chime in from the backseat with a thought “just needing to be acknowledged.” They will always demand a little time and attention. A little love here, a little integration there.

There’s so much power in letting go and seeing what you can create from a totally new way of being. A space that is completely free from the old ways.

THAT is how we create the impossible. How we innovate and do big work in the world. How we create changes in our lives, relationships, and the communities around us. When we step into a COMPLETELY new way of being without any attachment or tie to what came before.

So this upper limit of mine? The one that knocked me flat on my ass in a way I haven’t had to pick myself up from in awhile… yeah. That was the old part trying it’s absolute hardest to pull me back. To say, “you can’t survive without me.”

But I can… I will… I am.

Not only will I survive, but I’ll be able to grow, love, live, and create at a WHOLE NEW LEVEL. Because I’m not tied down. I’m not limited. Not even a little.

This has been some of the HARDEST and most exhausting work to date. And if you’ve been around me at all the last few years… you know that’s saying a lot.But it’s worth it. Worth it in so many ways I can’t wait to share with you.

Because I know you want to dive into this work yourself, right? 😉

It’s okay to let go.
You really will survive.

And remember… not every part deserves a place in the car.

You may also like
Numbness Never Solves Anything
Rebirth Always Comes