I Stopped Caring for Myself and My Life
After my loss and the abusive relationship that PTSD led me into, I stopped caring for myself and my life as I did before.
At first, it was survival, running on the fumes of grief and trauma with a non-functioning brain. It was all I could do to get through each day. And after the abuse and the anxiety-produced dysphagia that kept me from eating and drinking normally for a year, I just didn’t care anymore. I felt like a worthless piece of [insert worthless thing here]. I didn’t care about myself, my safety, my health, or my life.
I didn’t have a death wish.
In fact, I deeply desired healing and wholeness; I just didn’t believe I deserved it on an unconscious level. Who was I to thrive and be happy after my ex’s death? Who was I to think I was worthy of good things, enough money, fulfillment, or success?
This season has been one that I’m so proud of, as I’m building and creating so many beautiful new things that feel more like me than ever before.
A season where I’m caring for my life, health, finances, and wellbeing on a whole new level—while also working to close the remaining open loops from the worst period of my life.
It feels really good.
I feel worthy and deserving.
I love myself and my life.
I know that I’m allowed to thrive, succeed, and feel joy simply because I desire it.
It’s been a journey.
One I’d never wish on anyone, and one I certainly never chose. But it happened how it happened with the people who were on the path. It shaped me in ways that have finally started producing fertile soil for extraordinary things to take root and bloom.
I never could’ve imagined this life I’m living and the work I’m now doing in those early days. And even if I had seen a glimmer of it, I wouldn’t have allowed myself to have it.
Self-worth is crucial.
Especially after trauma and abuse.
Hugs to anyone in the depths of chaos or the uncertainty of its aftermath. Get support. You’re not alone and don’t have to do this alone. And I promise you are worthy of all the good and beautiful things in this life…
…simply because you desire them.
And yes, we will absolutely be addressing self-worth in my new program, Actualize.
