For the Last Two Weeks, I’ve Felt Adrift

January 20, 2023

It took me a long time to learn how to stay.

In my body. In each moment. In the places and spaces that require my presence. When things were hard, and even when things were good, staying simply wasn’t in my nature.

Truth be told, I’ve always been a drifter at heart. When left to my own devices for long enough, I’ll wander away. Literally and figuratively, mentally and emotionally. L’apple du vide—the call of the void—has beckoned to me for as long as I can remember.

Sometimes (many times) in my 20s, I’d get in my car and drive with an urgency I couldn’t quiet any other way. I’d go for hours and miles in whatever direction my heart led me, and it took everything in me to turn around and come back.

Until I got the boys.

They became much-needed anchors for this soul of mine that’s long struggled to stay.

They made places home, even in the most horrific relationships and living situations.

I started wanting to stay.

To come home.

For the last two weeks, I’ve felt adrift. I know where the few things I still own are and my official address of residence, but I don’t know home without my boys. I love my family and being close to them, but I’m not anchored.

In many ways, I’m embracing this immense freedom I have because wandering will always be one of my favorite ways of experiencing this beautiful little life of mine. There will be a lot more travel and hugging people I love in all corners this year. I’ll climb more mountains, swim in new lakes, and see the many wonders of this beautiful world.

And… I’ll anchor myself in my little house that I love so very much, that feels more like me than any four walls I’ve ever occupied before. Because despite my natural draw towards wandering, I need an anchor (even if this one can technically move around 😆). I need a sense of home, a place to come back to. It’s vital for me at levels that not everyone understands. But I know myself down to the very depths of my soul, and there’s a big difference between wandering and drifting.

So, I’m anchoring.

I’m reorienting yet again.

And I’m facing forward into so many beautiful new relationships, experiences, and opportunities.

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