I’d Rather Be Gutted by the Truth

December 15, 2022

I’d rather be gutted by the truth than “comforted” with half-honesties or outright lies and omissions.

I’d rather have to grieve a devastating loss than hold onto what’s not actually meant for me. I’d rather sit in the nauseating discomfort of challenging reflections and awarenesses than miss out on opportunities for growth because it feels easier and more palatable only to hear the “good.”

In the months after my loss, I was confronted by the harshest truths.

About my ex, his death, and the way he skewed reality. The things that were said—about the situation and about me—were so impossibly difficult that I often had to be literally held upright to bear their weight.

And every time…

As much as they broke my heart…

As immeasurably painful as they were to hear…

As physically sick as they often made me…

I was truly, deeply grateful.

More than that, and probably more challenging to understand, I felt safe.

The truth held me when everything I thought I knew about myself and this life unraveled at warp speed. It brought me comfort at levels I still appreciate to this day. It laid an immediate foundation of trust when I was struggling to find my footing. It answered questions I would’ve asked for a lifetime.

The truth can sting. It can break your heart and unravel your sense of self. But we find peace when we can move past our bruised egos, fear of discomfort, grief, and hurt feelings.

Because now we know.

Maybe it’s unsettling and confronting, but now we can make wholly conscious and informed choices in our lives. We’re not hiding inside what’s comfortable and only looking at what feels good. We’re not lost inside false realities with people we don’t really know.

The truth may crack us clean in two, but it breaks us open.

And as someone who’s navigated through truths that literally took me out at the knees, I can say with certainty that we will always be better for knowing them. It may not look or feel that way at first, but the truth gives us everything we need to create what we desire, even when, at first, it feels like it’s taking everything we want away.

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