“You’re so loved,” a friend used to coo at me whenever I felt discomfort with kindness or care from others, especially men.
Her words felt like an assault on my nervous system because of trauma and low self-worth. Every time she said them, my body would tense up, and I would feel a sense of panic.
Love was terrifying back then.
I honestly believed that someone saying “I love you” to me was a violent and horrible thing to express because of how people “who loved me” had harmed and abused me.
It took years for me to relearn what love is and what it’s not, to ask for and receive care. I would jump when friends lovingly put a hand on my shoulder, spiraled into panic if someone tried to hold my hand, and did everything in my power to keep love of all kinds at the furthest possible distance.
The other day I received a sweet, unexpected gift: a new guitar to learn on.
“I’m so loved,” I thought to myself, looking at it that evening, the direct result of a neural pathway my friend slowly carved over several years. It took a while for it to anchor in, but her words are now a part of me.
I’m so loved, and I know it’s safe.
I’m so loved, and I’m able to receive it.
I’m so loved, and I have so much love to give now that I’m healed and all filled back up.
I’m so loved, and that’s a beautiful thing.
Time doesn’t heal; intention does.
It took a long time for my heart to be this open again, but it is. And it feels so good.
I’ll tell you all about the relationship trauma I experienced in my next book, but for now, I’ll share this: it was utter madness the way I was constantly violated, manipulated, gaslit, and beaten down. It left me a shell of a person who was reckless with myself and my life because I felt so worthless. The panic and anxiety were debilitating, and I never thought I’d love or let myself be loved again.
And still, I healed.
I trust other people again (men in particular).
And I’m no longer afraid.
Healing is always possible, but you have to choose and be intentional with it.
Process work and repatterning are gifts that give you yourself and your life back.
Are you ready?